Five Things Every Girl Should Know (Week 2)

Unlocking The Traps -- Fulfilling Our Destinies

Posted by Kathy on Dec 14, 2009 in Blog | 0 comments

The number two thing you need to know about being a girl is that,  All of us are lonely.

“A good friend is a connection to life – a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” ~Lois Wyse

Our need to compare, to be the most beautiful, the most competent, and the best mother not only disconnects us from the great signature, but we are disconnected from friendships we are desperate for. The key to this trap is to intentionally Build Our Team.

Women find strength in each other—we are born collaborators who need each other to be at our best. Our weakness is our inherent need to look like we fly solo and can do it all. We trade our need for a tribe for the perception that we are Superwoman. This one blind spot can take us out of the game and off our path. Not to mention, it is not nearly as satisfying or fun as being in the company of great women!  My friend Sue Donaldson says it like this, “We don’t have to connect with everyone – too exhausting. There’s laundry to do, besides. But, God does want us to be radical in our connecting – every day.”

While it seems obvious that we all need support team, many busy women see time with these key friends as a luxury. We do not place importance on building and maintaining these kinds of relationships. We may also assume that people we like are part of our support team. Not true. A personal support team, even if it is one or two people, must offer the kind of support that is truly helpful. For example, if you have a friend who is over-critical or who takes precious energy to be around, this person is not an effective support person. She is not part of your tribe.

A personal support team is a small group of close friends, who accept us for who we are, get excited when we win the race, and will be there when we feel lost or overwhelmed. Members of a support team are good listeners and confidents. They will pray for us, help us keep perspective, maintain our balance and be focused on our life goals.

What are the indicators that you do not have a team, or believe that you somehow need to fly solo? Well, look around you. Take an inventory of what needs to be finished in your life. Do you have clutter, a half-painted kitchen, disorganized closets or other projects that aren’t completed? Do you whip yourself over things that you somehow don’t make time for, like your intention to walk everyday, finish that bible study, book, or manuscript? How about the dreams in your life that you just lack the energy and support to put on your radar? All these things make us feel like we are somehow just surviving and that is sure sign that we have been trying to do it ourselves and have not been investing in our team.

I have 6-10 women in my life that are my support team. They live all over the country—only a few are close enough for coffee. These friendships hold keys to my successes and my survival.  This last week, I went over to sing Christmas carols with one of these friends and ended up bending her ear. She listened, didn’t try to fix it and gave me some Taco soup. It was an equation of comfort. There simply is no better place than in the company of a woman who gets us and knows we will survive—anything.  I can’t imagine my life without this group of women and count them one of God’s great blessings to me. I intentionally care for these friendships–check in with them—make time for them and make them a priority.

How do you build your team?

First, be intentional. Make a list of what kind of women you need on your team. Here is my list. Women on my personal team are open and honest. They make me laugh. My tribe stretches me, accepts me and celebrates me. These women are invested in my best interests. They are all problem-solvers, positive thinkers, and risk-takers. Feel free to steal my list or add to it.

Second, put together a plan for finding these kinds of women. Where do you think you might find them? What organizations, church groups or events do you need to check out? I found one in a belly dancing class, another in at an Ad club meeting, a couple through my blog or other writing projects.

Third, make a list of the friend or friends that currently fits your list. Some of us have old friends from our past that we have lost touch with. Find them and reconnect. Enlist their help. One of my closest friends introduced me to several women that became good friends and supporters.

Fourth, be the friend you need, rather than the friend who needs to save others. For example if we act as though we have all the answers, we attract women who are looking to us for the answers. If we feel obligated to solve our friend’s problems, we will attract women who want us to solve their problems. None of us really wants that in our lives, we want friends that believe in us and have faith in our ability to be innovators and problem-solvers. Be that kind of friend.

We all need a personal support team. It is like water or air. You will live longer, be far less lonely and be strengthened by the presence of your tribe. I call them my true believers. They believe in me, no matter how many times I might stumble. Begin today by giving this some serious thought and action. Let me know what kind of friend you are looking for.  Trade your Superwoman and your need to compete in and ask God to help you find your tribe.

These are my simple rules:

• I am not a superhero. Most of my friends are fierce and incredibly smart. They don’t need me to save them. What they want is my best listening skills and my honest, yet loving, view of them. I have learned to set my oh-so–valuable, super powers aside.

• I don’t need to be right. Sometimes I disagree with my friends on any number of things. That has to be okay. Bottom line, I am more interested in having the friendship than being right.

• I am not a professional counselor. I have learned that just because I think I know what my friend should do, does not mean I should share it. I say, stay clear of counseling, unless you are a counselor. Be the fan club and not the friend with the couch.

• It is almost never about me. If I don’t hear from my friend for a while or if they seem snippy or curt — my rule is simple. It is not about me, it is almost never about me, and so it will most likely not be about me anytime soon. Don’t personalize what friends do or don’t do. Trust in the friendship.

So for this coming week I want you to think about the following questions

Who are the true believer friends in your life and what do you need to do to connect with them today?

How many women will you need/want on your team?

What old relationship mindsets or ways of being do you need to let go of?

What places could are you willing to go to meet new friends?

What small, stress free form of hospitality could you practice to connect with your tribe?

We need each other. Women are just better with a tribe, a team, a pack that knows our scent, our foot prints and sees us differently than we see ourselves. It is worth the time, the energy, and the cost of postage and phone calls to have this in our lives. We will live longer, get more done and, in general, be happier in the doing. Besides, who will sit next to us on the bench for a rest when we are out of breath? Who will remind us that we are formidable and get on our last nerve when we are old women? Who indeed.