Lost in Transition: What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

“Life is serious and we never know when we will turned up-side down and shaken until every shred of hope falls out of our pockets. So belly laughs, time with good friends, silly hats and soulful living becomes our medicine counteracting our desire to take this life seriously.”~ Kathy Vick

In my profession I talk with people everyday that have forgotten that they are powerful agents of change.  Life has worn them down and they have lost touch with important resources inside themselves. It is always a surprise to them when they realize that packed away in the attic of their brains are all the tools to begin to feel better about a life that may feel like it somehow got off track.

That is what I do, although I sometimes imagine that I am a reinvention expert, what makes me indispensible to my clients is my belief in them, my positivity and the fact that they get to call me their muse.  People hire me to be their coach because I am an expert at calling out the best in them, making them laugh and remember what makes them great.

The truth is none of us can predict how our lives are going to go. We can plan, make the wisest of decisions, be frugal and watch it all get turned upside down in a nanosecond.  What do you do when change happens? In the next three days, I am going to share with you some of what is in my personal toolbox, so stay tuned as we get ready to be our own change agents in 2011.

My #1 tool to counteract change, tragedy, cancer, job loss, financial setbacks and in general having your cheese moved is to:

1. Do something that scares the crap out of you.

Twenty years ago, my Mom & Dad jumped.

Dad left his government job, Mom sold her accounting business in Seattle.

They walked away from their condo, got on their boat and sailed to Alaska.

They still cite that move as the best decision ever, even two decades later.

Now, of all the tools related to thriving in the midst of bad news and change, this one is forever etched upon my heart.

You may be thinking, why would a sane person tell you to risk even more in a situation where you are clearly already hanging out there? Because FEAR ( false evidence appearing real) is your real enemy. This is no time to sulk into the corner and wait for good news. It is time to muster all the piss and vinegar you can and do something that you have never attempted. It is the time to rally. Your Fearful thing could be surfing cold, sharky waters or joining Toastmasters. Think, what have you been avoiding? What is it that has stood like a sentry in front of door titled ADVENTURE, INTRIGUE, RISK–LIFE!  That is where you want to go.

The reasons you need to scare yourself are multi-layered. First risk breaks fear’s paralytic hold on you. When you embrace fear you begin to feel your mojo and courage return. Think about this.  WE all came from pioneers.  We all came from grit. It is your job to find that within yourself and remind fear there is a new sheriff in town. If you are going to survive this time you are in, you are going to face down your enemy.

Another layer to this risky act is that your head cracks opens.  When we are fearful, stuck, paralyzed we could not find our way out of a coat closet with a flashlight.  What happens is instantaneous and almost beautiful. Every time I have followed mom and dad and plunged into the things I have been avoiding or putting off, my mind breaks free and my creativity begins to solve the problems that were stumping me.  Voila, instant smartness.

Michael Ungar, Ph.D., a professor at Dalhousie University in Halifax, Nova Scotia says this, “To grow, we need to experience challenges — whether we’re 4, 14, or 40.” We are parenting our children to be “Too Safe for Their Own Good,” Ungar cites evidence that we may be “Bubble-wrapping our lives– which may be the biggest risk of all.”

So are you ready to stop twisting your hair? Then give more attention to those areas that feel challenging — and intriguing — to you. Begin to embrace the adventure of uncertainty. “Do one thing every day that scares you,” Eleanor Roosevelt once said. On the other side of that fear, opportunity awaits.

I don’t know what happened on mom & dad’s trip to Alaska, No one really does.  There is 9 hours of video, but the real stuff is in a secret vault.  Mostly, because if we knew what all they survived up there we would have attempted to bubble wrapped them.  It is clear that it set a foundation for the next 20 years of their lives.  They have never bought another home and have been on adventure ever since. In their late seventies they will both tell you they are still having the time of of their lives and when you ask them if they ever wished they had bought a home and settled down like other grandparents they will just smile at you and say, ”Why would we do that?”

The LOST IN TRANSITION #2 in my toolbox is to

2. Dance around the fire

In the Summer of 1999 my family was camping on the Canadian border of Northern Idaho. Pat and I were in one tent, our kids and friend in another.  I woke up to the sound of a bear huffing and snorting at the door of our tent.  I shoved my elbow in my husband’s side to wake him up. For what seemed like an hour we laid there shaking until finally the bear moved on.  Then we all got up, lit a huge fire and recounted what could have happened, what almost happened and we were no longer afraid, well sort of.

In every part of this world tribes of people have mustered courage to step outside the confines of their villages, to kill lions, hunt buffalo, and fight their enemies. How did they prepare?

They danced around the fire.

They gathered their collective courage, and stories.

And they were no longer afraid.

In our culture the lone ranger is celebrated and in a way it sets us up to think that we should be able to make it alone. We should be able to figure out life’s transitions and bumps in the road for ourselves. This concept of self-sufficiency prevents us from dancing by the fire and finding the answers or questions we desperately need to move forward. It keeps us from critical connections that can save our lives, businesses and hearts along the way.

Connection to our tribe is the very thing you need when you don’t know what to do next. Don’t try to stand alone. Don’t suffer silently. Whether your tribe is family, old and new friends,  prayer group, mentor or coach; Go dance by a fire with people that love you, believe in you and are invested in your life. You will discover a reserve of courage and support to chase away the dark.

3. Reframe Your Worst Case Scenario

MOST SURVIVORS are good at reframing. Finding a new mindset for their current situation or worst-case scenario is one of the skills that will give you persistence and the ability to endure.

When Mandela was in prison in South Africa, many of the other prisoners were simply thugs. Mandela wrote, “I saw the gang members not as rivals but as raw material to be converted.” And Mandela, in fact, recruited many of them to help in the cause (ending Apartheid).

He could have legitimately seen the gang members as bad people, dangerous, and viewed it as a terrible misfortune to be thrown in with men like those. Nobody would argue with that point of view.

But he saw these men through the frame of his goal. Instead of wishing things were different so he could accomplish his goal, he had the attitude, “How can I use circumstance as they are to accomplish my goal?”

One of the main reasons people don’t survive hard places is the fear of their worst-case scenario locks them up, paralyzing their ability to save themselves.  The same is true in plane crashes, fires and natural disasters.

Reframing requires two things:

A Faith that God is for you and with you.

A tree house view of your life.

When I can get my head away from the battle (things I think are real and can see with my eyes) and regain my sight (vision), I begin to feel a renewed sense of faith and courage.

Simply put, we can survive anything if we keep our vision, or our big picture.

We will not survive, if we live by the facts, the fight and the fore casted future.

The skill of reframing will determine more than how you see 2011. So get out your worst-case scenario, look at it from an aerial view, stand on your head, and look at it sideways until you find the view that inspires you to step out of your fear of what might happen.

I promise you I will be right there with you up in the big treehouse.

4. Feed Your Soul

For 2011, try making room for habits that inspire and lift your spirits. Practice  viewing beauty, listening to music that makes you cry or sitting in prayer or mediation over something that gives you air.  This may be a “no-duh” tool for most of you, but it is one the things we forget to do when times get tough–so it is worth repeating.

When your reserves are low, feed your soul.

My coach, Jim Vuocolo calls it practicing your “Delicious Habits.”  I like the idea of having several low cost, easy, 30 minutes or less habits that you can enlist every day to inspire and bring balance to your life.  Choose at least ten items that you  will look forward to practicing in upcoming weeks.  Share your list with me and I will send you mine.

Ring in the New Year by giving yourself something that will help you celebrate all year long–feed your soul, inspire your life!

Happy Life, 2011!

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