My Name is Hope

Posted by Kathy on Mar 1, 2010 in Featured | 1 comment

I want you to meet a new friend. She is a funny, spunky, courageous woman who has a cancerous tumor she’s named “Tiberius.” She loves sour candy (the more toxic the better), toe socks and 80’s music.

I asked her to share her story and she said, “Yes”. I asked her to record her story and she said, “Yes.” Finally, I asked her to do an interview with me and she said,”Yes!” Yes, is pretty much the way she lives her life, embracing what comes–even the hard crushing things, like cancer. Hope and I pray that whoever reads this will be encouraged to keep fighting, keep positive and never give up. God is good and although we never get to know all the answers, we know he has a plan. May we all run the race with HOPE.

My story podcast

My name is Hope. I used to think it was ironic. I hated my name. My mother named me Hope after a character in a movie she saw. I come from a broken home where I was verbally and mentally abused. Both my parents were alcoholics.

When I was thirteen, I had benign tumors on my adrenal glands. Both the tumors and my adrenal glands were removed, leaving me with Addison’s Disease. I have taken hydrocortisone every day of my life since then. And I have a scar from my chest to my pelvis. It’s a symbol of my self-image. I had low self-esteem. I let people walk over me often. I didn’t feel good about myself.

In 1995 I began suffering from occasional, intense migraines—cluster migraines. It was like an ice pick in my eyeball. I was having depression and anxiety. For ten years, I went through several jobs, either quitting or being let go because I couldn’t stay healthy. Then the migraines became chronic and almost unbearable. I really felt the world was working against me. I even thought God hated me for a while.

We had tried everything on my migraines, from the usual medicines to Botox and even a chiropractor. I finally went back to my endocrinologist, who did a CT scan to make sure no lesions were reappearing where my adrenal glands used to be. He found a mass in my pancreas instead. On the phone, he said, “This is not good, not good.” In the office, he held my hands and said, “I am praying for you.”

The cancer they found is nearly untreatable. One of the many names it has is neuroendocrine neoplasm. It is a slow growing tumor. Slow growing tumors also die slowly and don’t respond to treatment readily. The type of chemo I am taking should slow down or stop the growth. There is a small chance it could shrink the tumor. Very small. So all I really have is hope.

So here I am in the fight of my life. I have good days and bad days. Yes, sometimes the old me comes out, destructive and angry and self-pitying. But I can’t afford that now. I don’t know when the cancer will take me or if it can be removed. None of us knows when God will take us. Having cancer drives it home that our time here is not up to us. I can either live like I used to, or I can change into a positive and faithful person.
So I choose faith. I am faithful that God has a plan for me.

Each day I wake up and say, “This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!” Then I turn to a long prayer list I have compiled over the last year and spend time praying over the names.

Only five months before my diagnosis, I got a Facebook account. My friends have made a huge difference in the way I cope with cancer. I laugh a lot. I always have. I delight in the ridiculous, and Facebook has been a great place to express off-the-wall humor. I like to make my status updates anything from silly to inspirational. It has helped me keep a positive attitude.

I began to look for inspirational quotes on the Internet and from books that I find and love. I have never been an avid reader, but I like to read inspirational books. It’s how I found “Run Like A Girl: Igniting the Spark for Your Next Great Adventure”. I like to post the best things I find. It helps me to know that I may be helping some of my friends through a tough day with a phrase or passage that has strengthened me.

There are so many things that help me through my day. I love music. The pain I have from the tumor makes it difficult, but I can’t help but move around! I spend the evenings with my eight year old, Logan. We watch silly cartoons and movies and laugh together at his stuffed animals. My husband and I eat lunch together every day. I often go to work with him.

Even the most frustrating things about my cancer can be funny. The medications I take can make me drowsy, so, sometimes, I have a hard time staying awake while posting on Facebook or browsing the web. One night I opened my eyes and I had responded to a friend’s message with half a sentence that ended in “kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk” as far as it would go. “Sorry, I fell asleep, LOL.”
Sometimes I have pain from the tumor. “The tumor” seemed too ordinary, too… blah. So, I named my tumor Tiberius. Tiberius throws tantrums once in a while. He doesn’t like the foods I like. It’s O.K. Tiberius won’t be around for long!

Cancer challenges me. It has made me more aware. It’s like every day is twice as important now. I don’t like feeling I’m wasting energy. People who were negative influences have fallen aside. People who lift me up and are positive have drawn closer. When I’m sad, I let myself be sad. But when I am happy, I am joyous in the new me. My story continues on because cancer continues to give me a great gift: my true, strong and happy self.

If you would like to contact Hope, email loveinhope@gmail.com